Recently, I was given a gift from a friend to honor my courage and creativity. They believe that my posting of my creations takes courage. No, not really. It’s more about proving I did something for myself. But…I am weak. I have moments where I honor myself and create art. Moments where I feed my soul. However, those moments are few. I haven’t gone to the art studio in months. The majority of my time is spent battling the demons in my head.
The voices of the demons are loud. They beat me with the constant waves of shame and lack. I am not enough. I have failed my children. My home looks like I am a hoarder in training. I haven’t planned the meals or shopped for groceries. I have not done all that I should for my family. I am incompetent because I cannot do it all. If I choose my art and feeding my soul, then I am a failed wife and mother. Those are jobs that I agreed to so I can NOT abandon them. Therefore, I, myself, must be last.
I know other women battle the same fight. Just today, The Huffington Post posted a debate on “Can Women Have it All?” On a personal note, my friend, Raychel from Reasons Like Season, states “I do not know how to manipulate how I perceive time and my own shortcomings or how to find more peace within myself.” She says it so nicely. I’m not that nice to myself.
My internal critic bashes all my attempts to do things for myself. I have too many responsibilities. I am the keeper. The house will never be clean; the laundry will never be done; my children need me constantly. The bottom line is that I do not believe myself to be worthy of self-care because I am incompetent in completing my responsibilities. I am not worthy. I have not earned the right to take time for myself. The work must be done. It must be completely done or I will be stealing from my family.
Right now I am drowning in those voices. They are winning. They have knocked me to my knees. I will need to regroup and claw my way to standing. I know it will take some time. I have been in this rodeo before. It will take meditation and courage to gather my shattered strength, but I will rise again. In my soul, I know that the voices are false. I know that they lie. I know that I am doing the best that I can. Still I have a bit of a tear in my ear and lump in my throat because you should never speak it. Never let the friends see your weakness. Today the voices hold me down. So today I will do the best that I can. I will accomplish something (laundry and dinner are good).
When I get tired and the voices get loud, I can’t drown them out with my positive thoughts. The waves of self-criticism crash against my strength of purpose and I lose my footing. Today I am under those waves. Fall Seven Rise Eight. Tomorrow is a new day and I shall rise. I will silence the voices-or at least make them turn that volume down.
Wish me luck. Keep me in your thoughts and Dear Raychel-I will keep you in mine.