Fall Seven Rise Eight

Recently, I was given a gift from a friend to honor my courage and creativity. They believe that my posting of my creations takes courage. No, not really. It’s more about proving I did something for myself. But…I am weak. I have moments where I honor myself and create art. Moments where I feed my soul. However, those moments are few. I haven’t gone to the art studio in months. The majority of my time is spent battling the demons in my head.

The voices of the demons are loud. They beat me with the constant waves of shame and lack. I am not enough. I have failed my children. My home looks like I am a hoarder in training. I haven’t planned the meals or shopped for groceries. I have not done all that I should for my family. I am incompetent because I cannot do it all. If I choose my art and feeding my soul, then I am a failed wife and mother. Those are jobs that I agreed to so I can NOT abandon them. Therefore, I, myself, must be last.

I know other women battle the same fight. Just today, The Huffington Post posted a debate on “Can Women Have it All?” On a personal note, my friend, Raychel from Reasons Like Season, states “I do not know how to manipulate how I perceive time and my own shortcomings or how to find more peace within myself.” She says it so nicely. I’m not that nice to myself.

My internal critic bashes all my attempts to do things for myself. I have too many responsibilities. I am the keeper. The house will never be clean; the laundry will never be done; my children need me constantly. The bottom line is that I do not believe myself to be worthy of self-care because I am incompetent in completing my responsibilities. I am not worthy. I have not earned the right to take time for myself. The work must be done. It must be completely done or I will be stealing from my family.

Right now I am drowning in those voices. They are winning. They have knocked me to my knees. I will need to regroup and claw my way to standing. I know it will take some time. I have been in this rodeo before. It will take meditation and courage to gather my shattered strength, but I will rise again. In my soul, I know that the voices are false. I know that they lie. I know that I am doing the best that I can. Still I have a bit of a tear in my ear and lump in my throat because you should never speak it. Never let the friends see your weakness. Today the voices hold me down. So today I will do the best that I can. I will accomplish something (laundry and dinner are good).

When I get tired and the voices get loud, I can’t drown them out with my positive thoughts. The waves of self-criticism crash against my strength of purpose and I lose my footing. Today I am under those waves. Fall Seven Rise Eight. Tomorrow is a new day and I shall rise. I will silence the voices-or at least make them turn that volume down.

Wish me luck. Keep me in your thoughts and Dear Raychel-I will keep you in mine.

Preventing Bullying

Preventing Bullying

Zero tolerance for bullying behavior policies sounds like the answer. We will not tolerate a bully harming our children. Get rid of them. Expel them. Send them to other schools. Zero Tolerance sounds good, but is it effective.

The simple answer is no. As early as 2004, the American Psychological Association stated that “existing research indicates that bullying at school may be significantly reduced through comprehensive, school-wide programs that are designed to change norms for behavior (Olweus, 1993a; Olweus, 1993b; Olweus, Limber, & Mihalic, 1999; Whitney, Rivers, Smith, & Sharp, 1994)”. Unfortunately, as Dr. Kalman, a nationally certified school psychologist, states “everyone loves the idea of going after bullies”. Regardless of the evidence showing that zero tolerance doesn’t work, we hold to the belief that this policy will provide protection for our children.

So what do we do?

In a word-prevention-

Again research has shown that prevention is the best course for changing the behavior of bullies. The Violence Prevention Task Force recommends the following strategies:

·         primary prevention strategies targeted at all students,

·         secondary prevention strategies targeted at those students who may be at risk for violence or disruption,

·         tertiary strategies targeted at those students who have already engaged in disruptive or violent behavior.

 

There is no fast fix for bullying. The prevention must be long term and comprehensive. The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program works on four fronts: school level, classroom level, individual level, and community level. We all must help curb bullying.

 

Why doesn’t Zero Tolerance work?

The American Psychological Association’s Zero Tolerance Task Force conducted a survey and found that Zero Tolerance Policies are ineffective and create more problems than behavior modification programs. Removing the bully from the school only reduces violence for that day. The long term effect is more violence. “Rather than reducing the likelihood of disruption, however, school suspension in general appears to predict higher future rates of misbehavior and suspension among those students who are suspended.”  In fact, suspending children leads to higher school dropout rates and other adverse outcomes. Not a good thing.

 

The Task Force also found that Zero Tolerance Policies are developmentally inappropriate due to the immaturity of teens. They are not yet able to fully comprehend the consequences of their actions. They cited research in neuroscience that shows the brains of youth are not yet fully developed into adult patterns.

 

Zero Tolerance is a one size fits all solution for a complex problem. Under Zero Tolerance, the victim who fights back would be suspended along with the bully. Complex issues need solutions that attack the problem from multiple directions. Don’t be tempted to take the easy route. Education and behavior modification are the best ways to address bullying behavior.